Post #35 – Blane Comics #25 – The FTC's Smoking-Gun Nerd-Buckle Ad
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Ralph Blanchette
 September 27 2022
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    As I promised NanaRepbulic , who asked about the FTC mentioned in Blano's "Half Nothing Comiks", this post will be a summary of the disgusting series of federal government attacks on Blano Blane, The Ballpoint Times, and the Nerd News and Puzzle Fun Weekly, beginning with the FTC. Nana asked about the FTC "decision", but there was never a decision or finding of deceptive marketing practices for promising half nothing but offering less than half nothing in the publication in question. You see, when Blano asked FTC investigators whether selling more than half nothing -- for example selling entirely nothing -- would have been preferable, the flummoxed agents changed their tack and said this whole unfortunate affair could be disposed of quickly if Blano would merely sign a consent settlement admitting to "ambiguous marketing claims" and promising clarity in all future marketing. Blano laughed. 


    Infuriated, the FTC decided to play hardball and began calling in other federal agencies, starting with the FBI which raided Blano's basement studio, taking back-copies of the BPT and NN&PFW and confiscating his beloved spirit duplicator. Pouring over the confiscated material, the combined agency 'Half-Nothing Task Force', as they called it, put together a plan to pressure Blano to sign the settlement.


    They dropped hints about an unregistered charity soliciting donations for the Ball Point Times All New Fall Issue including whether the claimed "phree" doodle space was actually free, given the 1-cent donation 'demand'. They also spoke of attempted illegal price-gouging for the Special War Issue. For lack of any other offenses they could shoehorn into their statutory authority, they also hinted that the Single Shot Assault Clip and Nerd-Goggles Crossbow could be called to the attention of the ATF, and the Biological Warfare comic referred to the Pentagon and the Center for Disease Control. Also mentioned in connection with the CDC was the medical misinformation in the Bio Logic post. In addition the FTC investigators suggested that Blano's promotion of fluorocarbon gas in his Remember This One? would fall under the purview of the EPA, the FDA, and the CPSC. Blano laughed.


    Apoplectic, the Task Force resorted to trying to shame Blano into submission by publicizing his hate speech directed at Americans with Disabilities and, scraping the bottom of the barrel, most frightening of all was the throwaway mention that the publication of pornography and promotion of sexual devices to minors may also be of interest to the Justice Department.


    Blano didn't laugh. He looked at them gravely and said, "I want to thank you for your exemplary public service and assure you that when you return my confiscated property I will be happy to consider your offer in greater detail." Six weeks later UPS delivered the good-sized box of his stuff but, oddly enough, he never heard from the FTC again. Fortunately, they missed the "Smoking Gun" issue of Nerd News and Puzzle Fun Weekly that had published today's Blane Comics #25 page, an ad of dubious honesty for what definitely looks like 'vaporware' designed to separate haberdashery-challenged nerds from their cash: the Nerd Buckle.


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