On Grief, Regret and Resolution
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Sadhika Pant
 June 20 2024
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    My friends find themselves at that stage in life where death lurks around the edges, occasionally reaching out to snatch away a parent or grandparent. In those moments of loss, words of comfort seem feeble, almost pointless. You'd think that having lost six kin in the past ten years would grant me some mastery over grief, some ability to soothe it. But grief is a stubborn beast. It doesn't get easier with practice. Yet, through these dark times, a particular realisation has dawned on me.

    One common regret among people who’ve lost a close one, is the memory of conflicts with the departed—arguments, harsh words, moments of irritable snapping. When they’re gone, those left behind torment themselves with these memories, sometimes for years. I know this regret well. My relationship with my father in his final years was particularly stormy. I had one too many arguments with him. Some over little things, and some over big things now made little with perspective. Underneath, was a very emotional bond, much more emotional than the one I had with my mother (that’s not to say I loved her any less). 

    Reflecting on those years, I see now that I was naive and immature, foolishly idealistic and overly righteous. Perhaps, I was not entirely wrong in my arguments from an objective view, but too much practicality turns out to be most impractical as I’ve come to learn. No, objectivity is best left unattempted. I also ponder whether I would have acted differently given more time. I doubt it. Even now, knowing full well that loss and regret are inevitable, I don’t treat my loved ones any differently. The days of discord remain, and so does the regret that follows, despite knowing I’ll one day mourn them and regret those moments.

    Of course, it goes without saying that we should treat our loved ones with respect and kindness, no matter how much time remains. This is a 'white truth.' The regrets born from unkindness, ingratitude and estrangement, from abusive behaviour and broken family bonds are perhaps deserved. But I'm not here to dwell on these black-and-white truths. I want to talk about the greys, the subtle complexities that define most human relationships.

    I’ve understood that It's not wise to judge my interactions with loved ones through the lens of hindsight, anticipating how I might feel once they're gone. I love a great many people. There are moments of irritability, arguments that escalate, and conflicts that end in tears or harsh words. The silver lining is that we find resolution. I prefer to live through these ebbs and flows in my relationships rather than constantly striving to be faultless, merely to spare myself future guilt upon their departure.

    Such a bond wouldn't ring true. Without lows, how could highs be reached? There will be days when I won't be my best self; I’ll be an inconvenience to those dear to me, and vice versa. Together, we shall pull each other up—some days it will be me doing the lifting, and some days it will be others lifting me. And hopefully, one day all that lifting will give me strength and courage to bear the full weight of loss and all it brings forth. Give me regret and guilt when it comes, for some is inevitable. But never again will I trade the richness of the here and now for its smallest portion. 

    “When you can't run, you walk, and when you can't walk, you crawl, and when you can't do that... you find someone to carry you.” - Malcolm Reynolds, Firefly.

    grief love regret guilt death family loss relationships
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