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Marrying in One’s Early 20s
Sadhika Pant
 November 26 2024 at 05:48 am
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Where I come from, a corner of urban India nestled within the educated, middle-class fold, there’s an implicit understanding: it’s seen as almost wrong for young people to marry in their early twenties. Not every family thinks this way of course, and neither does every social class or state. India has variations, not least because it is a developing country and some parts develop faster than others. There are states where marriage comes early, places where it’s expected, and others where a young woman nearing her thirties, still unmarried, invites random people to speculate why she has still not tied the knot. This, though, has not been my burden to carry. My friends and I, we're the lucky ones, spared the same weight of expectations that pressed down on our mothers, or on others our age. But lately, I’ve found myself questioning whether this is an entirely good thing. All things considered, I'd say it's a step in the right direction that young people from urban, educated families in India are under less pressure to marry than their parents were a generation ago. That being said, there is another side to this. The idea of marrying in one’s early twenties isn’t just dismissed—it’s often ridiculed, sometimes even by elders, which strikes me as an odd and counterproductive way of looking at marriage. There's this notion, especially among the older generation, that by postponing marriage, their children will naturally spend those years climbing the career ladder, gaining financial independence, and gathering all the wisdom that will somehow make them financially more prepared and more mature when the time finally comes. And sure, that does happen sometimes—but it is often not the case. It’s very likely that these young people, who don’t even see marriage in their twenties as a valid life choice—on par with pursuing a second degree, starting a business, or landing that big promotion—end up pushing it away with such disdain for the institution that they never feel ready for it. By the time they hit their mid-thirties, their parents are left feeling hopeless, wondering if their children will ever “settle down” and start families of their own. Many get so accustomed to the bachelor’s life, the freedom of answering to no one, that the thought of giving it up for the next stage of responsibility and commitment seems like a self-imposed sacrifice. Folks from the West might wonder why I’m bringing parents into this, isn’t marriage supposed to be between two people? But in India, marriage isn’t just a union of two individuals—it’s a joining of two families, especially in arranged marriages. And parents, for better or worse, stay deeply involved in their children’s decisions and lives well into adulthood. That has its upsides and its downsides, like most things do. The trouble with this way of living is that privacy and the right to choose your own path often get crowded out by the voices of too many others. A young person’s life isn’t their own entirely; it’s shared, debated, and shaped by the family. Sure, you can push back—strike out on your own if you’ve got the money to stand firm—but that kind of rebellion doesn’t come cheap. It buys you freedom but costs you peace, leaving behind quarrels and the weight of guilt. Still, there’s something to be said for it, this system. A marriage here isn’t just two people trying to make it work. Its success is not left upon the strength of love, strong as love might be. It’s the hopes and ties of many, all pulling to keep the thing together. In my view, it's a bit shortsighted to encourage young people in their twenties to see marriage as something that will hinder their fulfilment or achievements, and then expect that they’ll somehow want to settle down when the time is right. I propose we shift how we perceive marriage, presenting it as a valid option for those in their twenties. Yes, it comes with responsibility and sacrifice, but it also imparts valuable lessons—lessons that my generation conveniently avoids until their thirties, if they marry at all. These are lessons that earlier generations learned much sooner. Our adolescence is drawn out, leaving us self-centred and immature for longer than we should be. I work in the corporate world, surrounded by people who earn well. After paying rent, insurance and other bills, and setting aside money for monthly investments, many are still left with a good chunk of disposable income, which gets funnelled into an endless cycle of consumption—alcohol, clothes, cars, video games, travel. Just the other night, I found myself unable to sleep and, on a whim, ordered two different types of coffee on Amazon. A minute later, I was filled with disgust. We don’t even think twice before indulging these fleeting desires, something our parents, at our age, could hardly afford. They spent more on their children than they ever did on themselves. I remember the first time I bought cinnamon, 100 rupees ($1.19) for 50 grams. It struck me then why my mother had always said it was expensive and to use it sparingly. Suddenly, I realised that back when she and my father were managing a family’s entire expenses, cinnamon was an extravagance, one of the many things that couldn't be taken for granted. It is not lost on me that if young people choose to marry in their early twenties, they might not get to travel as much or have wardrobes as full as we do now. It’s also true that a married couple in their twenties would face more compromises if they decided to pursue a master’s degree or take risks like starting a business after tying the knot. But I’m not convinced that marriage rules out small mistakes or risk-taking altogether. If anything, marrying young gives you a longer road for making mistakes and learning from them. Making the same mistake at the age of 25 is different from making it at 35. By then, the costs are greater, the expectations are higher and the responsibilities are much more. Marriage shouldn’t be seen as something you only enter after life has been fully lived, all of your mistakes have been made, and all the wildness is behind you. Youth, with all its risks and missteps, can be woven into marriage, and perhaps it’s even better that way. The mistakes will be smaller, and subordinate to the higher purpose of nurturing a family and building a home. Sure, you can’t sleep with whoever you please if you’re married, but you can still go on the occasional reckless shopping spree. You might not go on solo trips or clubbing with friends as often, but you can still save up for a family vacation or enjoy a quiet date night with your partner. Fewer hangovers, yes—but that doesn’t mean no fun at all. Encouraging young people to consider marriage—or at least not dismissing the option altogether—could also offer a more thoughtful solution to the challenges posed by birth control. In recent years, we've begun to understand the far-reaching effects of the pill, not only on women’s bodies but also on brain chemistry and even partner selection. Studies have revealed that hormonal contraceptives can influence attraction and relationship dynamics in ways we’re only beginning to grasp. At the same time, we’re seeing a generation that is having less meaningful sex than ever before. So what’s the alternative? Barrier methods, perhaps. But alongside that, shifting the narrative around marriage could be part of a broader, more balanced approach. Marriage, for those in their twenties, need not be seen as the loss of freedom, but as a step that offers both emotional intimacy and stability. It might just be a saner, more human option in a world where deeper connections are becoming increasingly rare. In the end, marriage is not merely an obligation. It is, at its heart, an opportunity—an invitation to grow, to build something enduring. It’s a chance for adventure, for romance, for discovering meaning not just in another person, but in the shared life you create together. It’s a call to take oneself seriously. Somewhere along the way, we seem to have let this truth slip through our fingers. It’s time we remembered. Image Source: Fiddler on the Roof (1971)
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